August 13, 2015

Still Raw

On Sunday we tried a new church, on Tuesday they were having a monthly dinner and we decided to go (which felt bold to me). Its always awkward being new and walking into a group situation where you don't know any one, but we decided to go and see how the community was and if we felt like it was a place we could maybe be a part. In all honesty, there were a lot of older folks and very few folks with young kids...this is concerning a bit. With that said, everyone was very nice and wouldn't you know it, we were literally the last ones to leave! The pastor and his wife ended up sitting next to us toward the end of the evening as it cleared out and we got to chatting and...shut the place down. This is funny to me for a couple reasons, mainly that Adam and I were always amongst the last to leave church on Sunday in Waco b/c we were too busy chatting with our friends, and here we were, brand new and the last ones to leave. I so appreciate how warm and friendly everyone was and although it may not be the perfect fit, I think we're going to give it another go on Sunday. With that said, as we got in the car to leave the dinner and head home, out of the blue B started crying and said "I just miss my house, and my school, and UBC, and my friends. I just want to move back to Waco." And just like that, a dagger in my heart. Although it was out of the blue, it also wasn't, I think I know my girl pretty well and what I think is happening is that she is having post-traumatic stress (somewhat jokingly) memories from last year at this time. A year ago we just moved here and our life was total chaos and she was about to start the first day of school, and I think all the memories from that raw time are flooding her mind these days. And I think that because if I'm being honest, that's how I'm feeling too. As dramatic as it sounds, B's first day of school last year was one of the worst days of my life and as we're broaching another year here full of unknowns and new things, I have that sort of pit in my stomach too. Moving is really, really hard. I also think that since we tried so many new churches last year and bounced around so much with no normalcy, it didn't really feel like real life, and I think with the idea of settling on a church and getting rooted somewhere, that makes it feel real and that feeling sinks in and makes Waco feel further away. I think that is where B is at, and I get that, I feel it too. When we got home we put B to bed and I felt this heavy sadness, I woke up crying the next day and just had this ache in my heart for my sweet girl, who a year later, is just as homesick as the day we left...and I get it. Its still raw and hard, and I have no idea when that will change. I never moved as a kid, and navigating this with my girl has been the hardest "mothering" I've had to do yet. Every kid is different so I don't think there is an answer to when it will get easier, B is a lot like me in her personality and we feel things deeply when its something we love so deeply, and incidentally we both hate change. Sigh.

Yesterday was just good, good for the soul, good for a change of scenery, good to be with family, just good. We drove out to Moreno Valley and had some good cousin/aunt/uncle/pool time which was so needed and fed our souls. We got there around lunch time and stayed through dinner, just lovely. We only have a couple days left of summer before school starts for B on Tuesday and are trying to squeeze in as much fun as we can. If you're of the praying kind, would appreciate your prayers for my girl and her sweet heart as she starts another new year, so so appreciated. As always, thanks for reading. xo


Anonymous said...

Praying for all of your hearts. xo

Love you,

Kemi Winn said...

So sad. And so hard for moms and dads when they know their child is hurting. I'm praying for a wonderful first day of school this year!
Can't believe it's almost here.